just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
