Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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