Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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