remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
