Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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