I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
