That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
