I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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