its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize
