I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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