worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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