My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
