super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
