Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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