dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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