a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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