Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
