someone threw a dead crab at me
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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