haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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