picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
