if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
