I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
