I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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