just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
