She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
