Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
