im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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