I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
