please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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