I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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