Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
