My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize