I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
