We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
