I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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