i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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