I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
did you just send me my own nude
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
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