I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
