I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he puts the penis in happiness.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
