best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
the liver wants what the liver wants
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize