My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
