please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
