Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
