Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it hurts more in the daytime
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
