Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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