Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
