Redeem this text for a blowjob
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
