some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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