dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
