Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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