anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize