So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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