If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
