I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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