Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
