Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
