thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
