How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
