Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
