Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize