I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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