Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
